Bare-Knuckle Beta

I had forgotten how excruciating it can be waiting for Beta results when it is not a forgone conclusion that the test will be negative. I have had the pleasure of undergoing many beta tests. I had 4 tests when pregnant with DS. My clinic is a bit cruel in that they force you to come in for beta test even when it is not necessary to determine you are not pregnant, so I have had a test each BFN cycle - 6 total. The cycle when I was being monitored for a suspected ectopic I had 8 (yes 8!!) Betas drawn and this cycle I have had 2 so far, so that is a grand total of 20 Beta tests.

The wait Thursday was one of the harder ones. I was not overly stressed about the first Beta because I knew it would be positive and I was not expecting a blow out number. 45 was actually higher than I was expecting. I even let the call with the first Beta results go to voicemail, so I could call back and speak to my doctor directly. By noon Thursday, I was really on edge and by 1pm the conversation in my head was going something like this:

My nurse normally calls between 2 and 3pm, but on Tuesday she called me at 1:20pm, so she must call the "good news" people soon. If she doesn't call soon then that means the news is bad. In fact, the clinic was empty today, so the list of people to call should be shorter and so she should have called already. Why haven't I heard from her? I got the call at 1:50pm. It was a very long 50 minutes.

I have also been tormenting myself with HPTs. I know that these tests are really just meant to indicate if you are pregnant -- not to help quantify HCG levels. Comparing lines between tests taken 24 hours apart (or less) has been stressing me out and making me feel like my Beta numbers are bouncing all over the place when, most likely, there are just variations in the amount of dye in each test or urine is more diluted at some times than other. After I got the results on Thursday, I handed over my HPTs to Y and told her not to give them back to me until Saturday night, so I could test Sunday morning. She has threatened to take away my cash, bank card, and credit cards if she suspects me of sneaking off to the drug store to buy more. I know it would be better if I quite cold turkey, but it is hard when you are a POAS junkie.

I guess what I'm looking for is a way to know for sure and have validated on a daily basis if the pregnancy is going to make it. I know that is not possible. HCG levels only mean so much anyway and a high, normally doubling beta can still often result in miscarriage.

I know I should be celebrating now. I'm finally pregnant now after 8 IUI cycles, 6 BFNs, a suspected ectopic that ended up being chemical, many injections and blood draws, regular vaginal probings, extensive fertility testing, and numerous doctor visits. This is the end game, right? The thing I have been working for all these months.

Early pregnancy is really a lot like TTC -- what is going to happen is mostly out of my control. I'm at the mercy of my body and those few cells growing inside it that will hopefully become our baby. If I can make it over the initial miscarriage hurdle, I still have a high risk pregnancy ahead of me due to my prior history.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I know how lucky I am. I have one beautiful child already and a good chance of bringing home a second. Getting pregnant at 40 is not easy and to do so without IVF on my 8th IUI no less is really beating the odds. This month, too, has been so hard with the passing of my friend and my being pretty burnt out from a TTC perspective, having done 8 cycles over a nine month period. It is just so amazing to me that I could actually be pregnant given these circumstances -- it really has just started to feel real to me in the last day or so, even though I got a positive HPT a week ago.

So I'm working on surrendering myself to the process and trying to accept my lack of control. The spotting has stopped. I am having various pregnancy systems. I am pregnant and hoping for the best.