And the Beat Goes On

Everything went fine during today's doctor appointment. We saw Dr. Mini, who I have not seen for a while now. The bean still has a beating heart and we actually got to hear it beating 109 beats a minute. The doctor said everything looked excellent and that the heartbeat was nice and strong. Google tells me that fetal heart rate should be over 120 beats per minute, but I guess 109 is close enough. The baby is measuring 6W5D, which is 7 days growth in exactly 7 days, so that sounds good to me. My hCG level is now 29,393 and my progesterone is down again slightly to 13.

I have one more scan at the RE's office and then they will cut me loose. I have my first OB appointment on January 19th.

So just one quick, funny story. Like last week, we went to the appointment on our way our of town. I arrived about 5 minutes after monitoring hours officially ended, so I guess to punish me, they made wait forever even though the office was relatively empty because the IVF lab is closed. T got very impatient during the wait and started playing with the elevator buttons. The elevator opened and my RE stepped out. I guess T decided he had enough of waiting, so he made a dash into the elevator and I snatched him just before the doors closed. My doctor had sort of a shocked expression and said, "One almost got away." Hehehe. I always seem to run into my doctor in the elevator. It is a bit weird. It could still continue to happen even after I graduate from the clinic, since I need to take the same elevator up to my perinatologist's office.

Thanks everyone for your supportive comments. I'm happy to be ending 2008 on a high note with everything looking good so far with my pregnancy. I'm sure in a few days I will be a bundle of nerves again, but, for now at least, I'm feeling good.

More Number Crunching

I had meant to write the post several days ago, but with the holidays, time got away from me. When I had the heartbeat scan last last Wednesday, my doctor said the baby was measuring 5W5D, which see said was only 1 day off from her calculation that I was 5W6D and 1 day difference was not significant. We did discuss pregnancy dating and she is dating by conception, but she is defining conception as occurring 2 days after the 2nd IUI. This is almost physically impossible given that I was using donor sperm and the trigger shot would force ovulation to occur earlier, but by that point, we had been back and forth on the issue a number of times, so I just let it go. I mean why schedule IUIs at 12 hours and 36 hours post-trigger if conception occurs so late? I think really the latest that conception could occur would be the day after the 2nd insemination and the day of the 2nd insemination is more likely. If I use my dating, that would mean the baby is measuring 2-3 days behind. This concerns me some, since that seems like a significant amount of time so early in pregnancy. I'm trying not to worry too much.

I did ask my doctor as well about the bleeding that I had experienced. She saw no evidence of bleeding on the ultrasound and she felt that the bleeding was probably from cervical trauma from the IUI. I'm not buying that explanation either. I had bleeding as late as 16 days past the last IUI and I think cervical bleeding would show up a lot earlier plus there would be less blood than what I had. I had 2 bleeding episodes overall -- one at 8-10 days past the IUI and one at 14-16 days. I'm pretty sure the one at 8-10 days was an Estrogen withdraw bleed that I normally get during injectable cycles and that would precipitate an early arrival of AF. My doctor said this withdraw bleed would not occur if I was pregnant, but I don't think that is true. I have no idea what caused the later bleed. In general, I know my clinic does not really view bleeding in early pregnancy as indicative of any underlying problem, so I'm trying not stress about it. I haven't had a bleeding episode in 2 1/2 weeks, but I have been having fairly persistent cramping for the last few days. It isn't painful or really comparable to AF cramps, so I'm hoping it is just the uterus stretching.

I did ask to be called with bloodwork results and my old nurse, who I really love and who has since been promoted, called to give me the numbers. My hCG levels were up to 10,708 and my progesterone had fallen slightly to 14. That puts me at a doubling time of about 62 hours since my prior Beta. I was expecting levels to be a bit higher, but I think that is still fine. That still puts me at only 10% off the median for 29DPO according to the Betabase site. If my doctor is right and I ovulated later, then I would actually be above the median.

I go back to the doctor tomorrow for another scan and more bloodwork, so I will have more numbers to share then and, hopefully, more good news. If all is well, we should be able to hear the heartbeat, which will be very exciting.

The Best Christmas Gift Ever

Sorry I did not have time to post yesterday. Y's family and mine are together for the holidays and it has been hard to find a spare moment. I only have time for quick update now.

Despite freezing rain yesterday morning that made for treacherous road conditions, I did make it into the clinic for the heartbeart check. We were on our way our of town, so I went to the appointment with the whole gang in tow, including T.

My doctor did the scan and almost right away she said, "I see a heartbeat." I could see it too -- it just looked like a little flutter. She said it was great that we could see the heartbeat because this is a day earlier when they would normally check for the heartbeat. She turned the sound up on the ultrasound and tried to let us hear the heartbeat, but it was too early. Next week, if everything continues developing as expected, we should be able to hear the heartbeat and measure how fast it is beating.

We are very excited that we got to see the heartbeat. I took a gamble on going in early and I'm glad it paid off. Now, we can enjoy the holiday feeling more confident that the pregnancy is going to make it. Thanks Santa for the best Christmas gift ever.

The Dating Debate

Of course, willpower failed me again. I emailed my doctor and asked if I could come in for the heartbeat check tomorrow instead of Monday and she said yes, but then we got into a debate regarding how far along my pregnancy is. I told her I will be 6W1D tomorrow based on when I had my IUI. She says I will be 5W6D. I have no clue how she is getting this date.

There are generally 2 ways to date a pregnancy -- using last menstrual period or estimated conception. Using LMP, the day AF arrives, CD1, would be viewed as day 1 of the pregnancy. For pregnancies conceived using ART, doctors will generally prefer to date based on conception because that is more accurate. One would be considered 2 weeks pregnant on the day of the last IUI (if more than one was done) or on the day of retrieval for an IVF cycle. For me, the injectable medication caused me to ovulate very early, so tomorrow I will be 6W1D using conception-based dating (I had my second IUI on 11/25) and I will be 5W5D using LMP dating (AF started on 11/15).

For those of you who are or have been pregnant before using IUI or IVF, I'd be curious what method your doctor used to date your pregnancy, so drop me a line and let me know.

I would imagine that my doctor continues to marvel at how I can remain a PIA to the very end. I ask tons of questions, I second guess everything she tells me, and I sometimes don't follow instructions. Not a formula for a patient popularity, but I'm pregnant now using a protocol that was pretty much of my design, so I feel justified in my approach. Ah well, hopefully everything will go well tomorrow and I will get to graduate from the clinic in a few weeks.

More Beta Data

When I had my scan with Dr. Clueless yesterday, she said they would only call with bloodwork results if there was a problem, since the bloodwork is not that meaningful once the pregnancy is visible on ultrasound. I figured I would try to give it a go with that approach, but it just isn't me. If there is information out there in the world about my pregnancy, I want to know it. Besides, they really made me work for that blood draw yesterday. They had to stick me three times before getting a successful draw and the phlebotomist was having so much trouble that she asked someone else to do the draw. I have had trouble in the satellite office before, but never in the main office where they are doing up to 80 blood draws a day. Today both my arms are black and blue.

No call about my blood results came during the celebratory shopping yesterday, so I figured all was good, but I still wanted to know the actual numbers, so I called the clinic this morning. My hCG was up to 2140 and my progesterone is now 15. The Beta level was higher than I was expecting. I have been browsing around on the Betabase.info site. My intial Betas of 45@14DPO and 105@16DPO were definitely well below the median for a singleton pregnancy. The median according to Betabase at 23DPO is 2350 and I'm still below that level but not by much, because my Beta levels are doubling slightly faster than the median. My doubling time since my last Beta was 38.63 hours and the Betabase median doubling time for my hCG level is 45.16 hours.

I'm actual pretty happy with my Beta levels at this point. Because the initial levels were on the low end, I did not worry much about the possibility of multiples, even though I had used injectable medication that would increase my chances of getting pregnant with more than one. Elevated hCG levels can also cause the placenta to develop quickly at the beginning. While this may seem like a good thing, it is not. The placenta has a limited life span and is only intended to last for the length of the pregnancy, but if it ages too quickly, it may not be viable for as long as the baby needs it, which is what happened when I was pregnant with T. I'm hoping the lower hCG levels this pregnancy help create a better environment for a healthy placenta.

I had been a bit concerned about my progesterone levels as well. I had had a few significantly lower temperatures this week and had been worried that my progesterone levels were falling, which can be a precursor to miscarriage. It looks like my progesterone levels are actually rising, so I've gone ahead and retired my thermometer. I'm also happy that my levels have made it up to 15. I know my RE thinks anything over 10 is fine, but I had been reading elsewhere that other doctors think that over 15 should be the minimum for pregnancy. I was considering starting to take supplements, but I thought I would have a hard time explaining to my doctor why I don't take the supplements when she tells me I should and why I do take them when she tells me I should not. Luckily the numbers went up on their own, so I can at least pretend to be an obedient patient now.

We Have a Sack

Thanks everyone for all your good wishes. It must have worked because there was a gestational sack and a yolk sack in the uterus visible on today's ultrasound. Yippeeeee!!!! There was also only one bean, which is what we were hoping for and expecting given my Beta levels.

Y came with me for the ultrasound and she hasn't been to the clinic for a while. Of course, as my luck would have it, Dr. Clueless was the one to do the scan. She was pleasant enough. We ran into my doctor on the way out of the clinic--she was sweet as ever and gave me a big hug. I showed her the ultrasound printout and she said everything looked perfect for this stage of pregnancy and that they would not expect to see a heartbeat until next week. She would be the one to scan me next week, but they wanted me to come in on the 26th and we will be out of town , so I don't think the heartbeat scan will happen until the following week when another doctor will be on rotation. I could probably negotiate to get a scan on the 24th, but I don't think I want to -- I think it is better to wait to be more certain the heartbeat will be visible.

When I was misdiagnosed as miscarrying when pregnant with T, I was 5W1D pregnant and the ultrasound looked pretty much the same as the one from today. It is just so amazing to me how doctors can see the same thing and draw the exact opposite conclusion. It is so much more comforting to be under the care of an RE at this stage in pregnancy.

Wish Me Luck

Wish me luck. Tomorrow is the big day -- I have my first ultrasound. I still can't believe my clinic does an ultrasound so early. I will be only 4W6D. I know my clinic calculates based on the insemination date, so that would 5W2D. Even if my hCG levels continue to double every 48 hours, they would still be just barely at a level where you would expect to see a sack. I had been pretty calm for most the week, but have gotten anxious in the last day.

It will all be over in less than 12 hours one way or another. I took the day off tomorrow, so if it is good news I'll be able to do some celebratory holiday shopping -- I'm really behind this year purchasing gifts. If it is bad news, then at least I will have the day to myself.

Cycle Summary

I prepared a summary sheet of all my cycles for when I was supposed to meet with the new doctor at the Big Fancy Clinic. Since I never made it there, due to the funeral I needed to attend, and I don't want it to go to waste, I thought I would share it with all of you. I updated it with numbers from my BFP too. I'm a really detail oriented person and I always love to hear all the specifics about other TTCers' cycles, so here is more info about my cycles than you probably ever wanted to know. Enjoy!

Pre TTC #1 Testing
4/7/06 CD3 FSH 8.0 E2 72
4/25/06 7DPO P4 14.4

TTC #1, Try #1 – Unmedicated, Unmonitored IUI
Outcome – Not Pregnant

TTC #1, Try #2 – Unmedicated, Unmonitored IUI
Outcome – Pregnant with Live Birth
6/22/06 11DPO +HPT – I’m pregnant
6/26/06 15DPO 4W1D hCG 314.5 P4 21.7
6/29/06 18 DPO 4W4D hCG 917
7/3/06 23DPO 5W1D hCG 6768 U/S – yolk sac, no fetal pole, no HB – misdiagnosed as miscarrying by ER
7/5/06 25DPO 5W3D hCG 11048 U/S – yolk sac, no fetal pole, no HB – miscarriage “confirmed” by OB
7/3/06 6W4D U/S – HB of 126
1/18/07 – DS born at 33 ½ weeks

TTC #2, Try #1 – Unmedicated, Monitored IUI
Outcome – Not Pregnant
3/23/08 CD2 FSH 7.4 LH 8.1 E2 44 P4 .76
4/2/08 CD 12 E2 63 P4 .39 LH 7.5
                       U/S RT 16mm, Endo 6mm (type 3)
4/3/08 CD13 E2 87 P4 .52 LH 6.2
                       U/S RT 17mm, Endo 7mm (type 3)
4/4/08 CD14 E2 128 P4 .4 LH 7.6
                       U/S RT 17mm, Endo 5mm (type 1)
4/6/08 CD16 E2 268 P4 .99 LH 65
                       U/S RT 22mm, Endo 6mm (type1)
4/7/08 CD17 IUI
4/10 3DPO P4 4.01 – start Progesterone supplementation
4/21/08 14DPO E2 32 P4 7.8 hCG <1

TTC #2, Try #2 – Unmedicated, Unmonitored IUI
Outcome - Chemical
5/5/08 CD13 IUI
5/6/08 CD14 IUI
5/9/08 3DPO P4 8.8 – start Progesterone supplementation
5/20/08 14DPO hCG 9.8
5/22/08 16DPO hCG 20 P4 12.4
5/27/08 23DPO hCG 53
5/29/08 25DPO hCG 93 P4 7.06 U/S Endo 11mm (type 3) – nothing in tubes or uterus
5/30/08 26DPO hCG 109
6/2/08 29DPO hCG 93
6/6/08 33DPO hCG 12
6/20/08 47DPO hCG 1.0

TTC #2, Try #3 – Unmedicated, Unmonitored IUI
Outcome – Not Pregnant
7/11/08 CD14 IUI
7/12/08 CD 15 IUI
7/15/08 3DPO P4 6.91 – start Progesterone supplementation
7/26/08 14DPO hCG 1 P4 9.5 E2 46

TTC #2, Try #4 – IUI with Gonal-f 150iu
Outcome – Not Pregnant
8/1/08 CD3 E2 51 P4 .57 LH 7 FSH 9
                       U/S RT 4<11 LF 6<11 Endo 4 (Type 3)
                       Start Gonal-f 150iu
8/4/08 CD6 E2 295 P4 .49
                       U/S RT 16mm, 14mm, 12mm, 6<11mm
                       LF 14mm, 12mm, 6<11mm
                       Endo 7mm (type 1)
8/5/08 CD7 E2 522 P4 .77 LH 3.2
                       U/S RT 2@15mm, 14mm
                       LF 14mm, 12mm, 4<11mm
                       Endo 6mm (type 1)
8/6/08 CD8 E2 689 P4 .56 LH 7.1
                       U/S RT 17mm, 16mm, 15mm
                       LF 15mm, 3@13mm
                       Endo 5mm (type1)
8/7/08 CD9 E2 1077 P4 .88 LH 9.2
                       U/S RT 2@19mm, 15mm, 11mm
                       LF 17mm, 15mm, 3@14mm, 13mm, 11mm, 3<11mm
                       Endo 6mm (Type 1)
                       Stop Gonal-f, add Ovidrel 250mcg trigger
8/8/08 CD10 IUI
8/9/08 CD11 IUI
8/12/08 3DPO P4 17
8/20/08 11DPO Bleeding
8/22/08 13DPO hCG<1 E2 37 P4 .25
                       U/S RT 54mm cyst, LF 30mm cyst

TTC #2, Try #5 – Unmedicated, Partially Monitored IUI
Outcome – Not Pregnant
9/3/08 CD15 E2 237 P4 .48 LH 17
                       U/S RT 19mm, 5<11mm
                       LF 20mm, 13mm, 7<11mm
                       Endo 7mm (type 1)
9/4/08 CD16 IUI
9/5/08 CD17 IUI
9/8/08 3DPO P4 6.7 – start Progesterone supplementation
9/19/08 14DPO hCG 1.0 E2 44 P4 7.0

TTC #2, Try #6 – IUI with Gonal-f 150iu
Outcome – Not Pregnant
9/24/08 CD3 FSH 9 LH 7 E2 54 P4 .48
                       U/S RT 11mm, 6<11mm
                       LF 4<11mm
                       Endo 5mm (type 3)
                       Start Gonal-f 150iu
9/27/08 CD6 E2 206 P4 .36 LH 2.6
                       U/S RT 14mm, 12mm, 6<11mm
                       LF 12mm, 4<11mm
                       Endo 5 mm(type 1)
9/29/09 CD8 E2 626 P4.37 LH 5.9
                       U/S RT 14mm, 2@12mm, 11mm
                       LF 15mm, 13mm, 12mm, 4<11mm
                       Endo 5mm (type 1)
9/30/09 CD9 E2 692 P4 .26 LH 9.4
                       U/S RT 17mm, 2@12mm, 11mm
                       LF 13mm, 10mm View of ovary blocked by bowel
                       Endo 5mm (type 1)
10/1/08 CD10 E2 1102 P4 .79 LH 30
                       U/S RT 17mm, 3@15mm, 11mm, 10mm
                       LF 18mm, 16mm, 14mm, 4<11mm
                       Endo 6mm (type 1)
                       Stop Gonal-f, add Ovidrel 250mcg trigger
10/2/08 CD11 IUI
10/3/08 CD 12 IUI
10/6/08 3DPO P4 25
10/20/08 14DPO hCG 1.0

TTC #2, Try #7 – Unmedicated, Unmonitored IUI
Outcome – Not Pregnant
10/29/08 CD16 IUI
10/30/08 CD17 IUI
11/2/08 3DPO P4 7.2 – start Progesterone supplementation
11/14/08 15DPO hCG negative

TTC #2, Try #8 – IUI with Gonal-f 150iu
Outcome – Pregnant
11/17/08 CD3 E2 72 P4 .97
                       U/S RT 14mm, 2<11mm
                       LF 5<11mm
                       Endo 7 (type 1)
                       Start Gonal-f 150iu
11/20/08 CD6 E2 169 P4 .27 LH 1.0
                       U/S RT 16mm, 12mm, 3<11mm
                       LF 7<11mm
                        Endo 5 (type 3)
                       Start Ganirelex 250ui
11/22/08 CD8 E2 514 P4 .66 LH 2.6
                       U/S RT 20mm, 17mm, 4<11mm
                       LF 14mm, 6<11mm
                       Endo 6 (type 1)
11/23/08 CD9 E2 756 P4 .66 LH 2.6
                       U/S RT 25mm, 19mm, 3<11mm
                       LF 16mm, 13mm, 3@11mm, 3<11mm
                       Endo 8 (type 1)
                       Stop Gonal-f and Ganirelex , add Ovidrel 250mcg
11/24/08 CD10 IUI
11/25/08 CD11 IUI
Missed Progesterone check and instructed to start supplementation, which I don’t
12/6/08 11DPO +HPT - I’m Pregnant!!!!
12/9/08 14DPO hCG 45 E2 172 P4 11
12/11/08 16DPO hCG 105 E2 202 P4 13

Bare-Knuckle Beta

I had forgotten how excruciating it can be waiting for Beta results when it is not a forgone conclusion that the test will be negative. I have had the pleasure of undergoing many beta tests. I had 4 tests when pregnant with DS. My clinic is a bit cruel in that they force you to come in for beta test even when it is not necessary to determine you are not pregnant, so I have had a test each BFN cycle - 6 total. The cycle when I was being monitored for a suspected ectopic I had 8 (yes 8!!) Betas drawn and this cycle I have had 2 so far, so that is a grand total of 20 Beta tests.

The wait Thursday was one of the harder ones. I was not overly stressed about the first Beta because I knew it would be positive and I was not expecting a blow out number. 45 was actually higher than I was expecting. I even let the call with the first Beta results go to voicemail, so I could call back and speak to my doctor directly. By noon Thursday, I was really on edge and by 1pm the conversation in my head was going something like this:

My nurse normally calls between 2 and 3pm, but on Tuesday she called me at 1:20pm, so she must call the "good news" people soon. If she doesn't call soon then that means the news is bad. In fact, the clinic was empty today, so the list of people to call should be shorter and so she should have called already. Why haven't I heard from her? I got the call at 1:50pm. It was a very long 50 minutes.

I have also been tormenting myself with HPTs. I know that these tests are really just meant to indicate if you are pregnant -- not to help quantify HCG levels. Comparing lines between tests taken 24 hours apart (or less) has been stressing me out and making me feel like my Beta numbers are bouncing all over the place when, most likely, there are just variations in the amount of dye in each test or urine is more diluted at some times than other. After I got the results on Thursday, I handed over my HPTs to Y and told her not to give them back to me until Saturday night, so I could test Sunday morning. She has threatened to take away my cash, bank card, and credit cards if she suspects me of sneaking off to the drug store to buy more. I know it would be better if I quite cold turkey, but it is hard when you are a POAS junkie.

I guess what I'm looking for is a way to know for sure and have validated on a daily basis if the pregnancy is going to make it. I know that is not possible. HCG levels only mean so much anyway and a high, normally doubling beta can still often result in miscarriage.

I know I should be celebrating now. I'm finally pregnant now after 8 IUI cycles, 6 BFNs, a suspected ectopic that ended up being chemical, many injections and blood draws, regular vaginal probings, extensive fertility testing, and numerous doctor visits. This is the end game, right? The thing I have been working for all these months.

Early pregnancy is really a lot like TTC -- what is going to happen is mostly out of my control. I'm at the mercy of my body and those few cells growing inside it that will hopefully become our baby. If I can make it over the initial miscarriage hurdle, I still have a high risk pregnancy ahead of me due to my prior history.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, because I'm not. I know how lucky I am. I have one beautiful child already and a good chance of bringing home a second. Getting pregnant at 40 is not easy and to do so without IVF on my 8th IUI no less is really beating the odds. This month, too, has been so hard with the passing of my friend and my being pretty burnt out from a TTC perspective, having done 8 cycles over a nine month period. It is just so amazing to me that I could actually be pregnant given these circumstances -- it really has just started to feel real to me in the last day or so, even though I got a positive HPT a week ago.

So I'm working on surrendering myself to the process and trying to accept my lack of control. The spotting has stopped. I am having various pregnancy systems. I am pregnant and hoping for the best.

Still in the Game

I just got the call and the results are:

Beta 105
Progesterone 13
Estradiol 202

My nurse says everything looks good. That puts my doubling time for my beta at 39 hours, which is good. I think 105 for 16DPO puts me on the low side of normal, but I think it is fine.

I don't go back to the doctor again until next Thursday and I will have an ultrasound at that time.

I'm so relieved. I have been a bundle of nerves all day waiting. I will try to write more about that later, but I have a ton of work to do today and, as you can imagine, I've been completely worthless up until now.

Things Are Looking Up

Things are looking up today. The spotting, although it is not totally gone, is very light now. I continue to be a POAS addict and the line from this morning's test was much darker today than it was on yesterday's test as you can see here:



Of course, me being me, I have been researching the impact of bleeding on early pregnancy. It seems like there is bleeding of some type in about 25% of pregnancies and about 50% of pregnancies where there is bleeding will result in miscarriage. The risk of miscarriage goes down significantly after seeing a heartbeat. Those odds don't sound great, but I will certainly take 'em. After so many failed cycles, a 1 in 2 chance of bringing a baby home still seems pretty good to me.

Thanks everyone for your very kind comments and congratulations. I will post again tomorrow after I get the 2nd beta results.

Good News and Bad News

The good news is I just got the call from my nurse and it looks like my Beta is a 45, which she says is a good number, although I remember my initial beta when I was pregnant with T was 314 -- that was at 15DPO and this test is at 14DPO.

The bad news is I started spotting again yesterday and today it is a bit heavier. It is brown spotting.

I'm waiting for a call back from my doctor so I can confess that I never took the progesterone she prescribed and so I call tell her about the spotting. I'm sure she will think I am a complete nut job if she doesn't think that already. My clinic normally will test progesterone and estrogen on Beta day but, for some reason, they did not test mine today.

I had been using 1-2 HPTs per day and had only been getting faint positives, but this morning the line was somewhat darker, although still pretty light. I just used one of those digital tests and it came back PREGNANT -- cool.

At the moment, I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. If the spotting were to stop I would feel at bit better about the whole thing. For now, at least, it looks like I'm pregnant.

UPDATE: Just got a call back from the doctor. They did actually test my Estrogen and Progesterone. P4 was 11 and E2 was 172. She did not seem fazed because I did not take the supplements and she said that I should not start now because they only supplement if levels are below 10. As for the spotting, she said spotting is common in IVF and medicated IUI cycles even if the pregnancy is viable -- that I just need to wait and see what happens.

I still can't believe it. I'm in shock. I'm actually pregnant.

Limbo

I'm still out of town and I did not bring any pregnancy tests with me, so I ran to Target last night and got a 2-pack of FRER. I had wanted to wait until morning to test, but lack of willpower prevailed and I tested last night. I got a faint, but visible positive, which I think is the same as what I had on 11DPO when I got pregnant with T. Of course, I could not sleep last night, so I got up at 3am to POAS. I still got a positive, but lighter than before -- one of those you have to look real hard under a bright light to see anything and then you are not sure if the line is really there. I was out of tests, so I had to run back to the store again the morning. I just tested again and it looks negative to me. I'm thinking it is likely another chemical, but we will see. It is still a bit early. I have had no more bleeding or spotting, so that is good. My beta is on Tuesday.

Avoiding Hope

I'm 11DPO today. I have been having a lot of cramping, particularly overnight, and I woke up this morning and expected to be greeted by AF and there was nothing. I stopped spotting about 24 hours ago. The spotting overall was pretty light. On both of my prior injectables cycles I have gotten AF on 11DPO with spotting for 1-3 days in advance.

I'm trying to fight it, but it is hard not to be hopeful. I know that hope in general is a good thing and without being hopeful it would be hard to keep going with the very difficult TTC process, but I find that whole cycle of hope and then disappointment each cycle to be difficult. I have been so focused on other things this TWW and had very low expectations given that the stimulation part of this cycle did not go well, so I would not be overly disappointed if the cycle was not successful. However, if AF shows up tomorrow or the next day, I will find it hard to keep avoiding hope in the interim. I will probably test tomorrow unless AF arrives beforehand.

Drip, Drip

I'm spotting today and cramping has gotten worse. My temps are still elevated, so the end is not here yet, but I'm quite certain it is on its way. I'm guessing AF will arrive either tomorrow or the next day. Looks like IVF here I come.

Y and I have agreed that if I get pregnant and if we have a girl we will name her after my friend that passed away. Of course, that is a lot of ifs, so we will see what happens. I told my Mom and she was very touched.

Not the Usual TWW

I'm 8DPO today and these last 8 days have been rough. I never made it to my progesterone check. A close family friend with end stage lung cancer took a turn for the worse and I needed to leave for Baltimore earlier than expected to see her before it was too late. It was very sad and difficult, but I was glad that I got to see her before the end. We returned home on Sunday night only to have to return to Baltimore again on Monday as my friend passed away in the early morning. The funeral was yesterday, which is the same day I was supposed to have my consult with the new doctor at the big fancy clinic. I was forced to cancel my appointment and it will be another 2 months before I can get a new appointment, which means if IVF is in my future, I will probably be cycling with my current clinic.

I don't have a lot of physical side effects from gonal-f, but it makes me very emotional, particularly during the TWW. This is really the last thing I needed. I have been crying so much for the last week, which is confusing because I don't know how much of that is my grieving and how much is just the gonal-f talking.

Since I was not able to get my progesterone levels tested, my doctor prescribed Crinone. I filled the prescription, but then decided not to take the progesterone. I just was feeling so awful by that point that I did not feel like I could take on anything else that would make me feel even worse and I always find the progesterone a misery.

I had spotting starting 8DPO my last injectables cycle. So far today no blood, although I am having some cramping, so it may be coming tomorrow. We will see.